I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
