i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.