Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
pop tarts are not kleenex
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
