they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
