At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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