sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
