So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
