Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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