I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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