hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
