Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
