I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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