She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
