Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
