Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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