a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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