I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
