Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
