bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.