Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I supernannyed him into submission
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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