this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
