My sheets look like a crime scene.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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