I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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