So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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