Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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