please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
