I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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