atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
