I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
