please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
