Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
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This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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