my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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