It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
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I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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