I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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