Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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