I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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