dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
