can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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