I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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