You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
