Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
