We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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