Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
