I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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