What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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