I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Where is the hickey?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
