The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
