I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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