I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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