Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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