We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
