I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
