Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
