He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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